I seem to have left my pride at pride
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I'm like, not good at living.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
