and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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