What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
