grandma shit on top of the toilet
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Randomize
