PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
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Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
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I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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