I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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