please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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