Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
