did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
