Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
