Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Randomize
