Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I just threw up on my dentist
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Princesses don't give blow jobs
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
