Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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