So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
Randomize
