I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Randomize
