I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Randomize
