There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I don't deserve a penis
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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