There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
