Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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