how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
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Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
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