Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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