where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
