Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Randomize
