ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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