The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
