also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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