I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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