Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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