i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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