Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
