I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Randomize
