If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
