So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Randomize
