Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Randomize
