checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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