ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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