yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
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he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
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I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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