my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
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you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
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She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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