Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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