Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I don't deserve a penis
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Randomize
