She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
