the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
