I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
