i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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