Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
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