im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
