im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
