my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
