all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
