I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
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I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
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I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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