Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
