rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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