Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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