god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
You're a waste of cheezeits
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
