Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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