A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
