I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
