I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
