she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
